On Nerve & Match.com

Your favorite on-screen sex scene? Every single one of you, without fail, is going one of three ways here: Mulholland Drive, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, or Team America: World Police.

On Newborns and Dolphins

Yes, you’ve seen us wearing yoga pants or idly thumbing through a Kabbalah book at Barnes and Noble.  But that does not mean you are allowed to describe anything as “spiritual.”  Not hiking in a national park at sunrise, not your wise old grandmother’s outlook on life, especially not yourself.  “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual” is the phrase that never pays.

On Rickey Henderson

Maybe you’ve heard that it doesn’t really do anything for most girls.  Or maybe you feel duped at the discovery of the padded bra.  Get over it and take a little time, sailor.

On Confessions

So you were awkward in high school and had a hard time talking to girls.  And thus, you didn’t get much action until college.  Wow, I feel so much more at ease around you now that you’ve told me this.  Oh wait, I forgot to tell you I couldn’t possibly believe such a thing.

On Cleanliness

There are other options in the shower aside from a bar of Irish Spring. Just so long as they’re not Axe Body Wash, Dial, or anything from Kiehl’s. So your other option is a bar of Lever 2000, no hairs.

Loofahs are an absolute dealbreaker.

In Fairness

Things Girls Do: Have this poster framed somewhere in their very first apartment:

On Any Sort of Comic Book

Oh, do you love those? Did you love those growing up? We had no idea.

On Bedding

Can you count on two hands the number of dudes you’ve been with who had a maroon fiberfill comforter on their beds?  Why do they all pick this? Some are reversible with navy, some are reversible with hunter green and it’s like, why not just hang pictures of mallards in your room?